Some people like to think that fall is about pumpkin spiced beverages, full contact sports and those little erasers you stick on the back of your pencil, but not for me. For me, cooler weather is always about one thing only: socks.

My kids  (like me) do not wear socks in the summer. That’s me in July and August, frolicking around in flip-flops, done with the laundry early because: no socks! But come fall, it’s all over. Here are some things I have to say about socks:

1. Socks must be worn with sneakers. Sneakers are required school footwear, because I can’t keep straight gym (ahem: Physical Education) days and I don’t want to hear it from the teacher about my kids’ shoes. Socks must go on the foot first, or there will be a smell so bad, even a lady whose sense of smell has been so dulled by multiple pregnancies and the ensuing smelliness of infancy times four, even this lady will be able to detect it. And it will never go away. So socks (launderable and also cheap enough to just throw out) before sneakers.

  1. Socks must be changed daily, but not more than once unless they are breached by wetness other than sweat.
  2. Socks leave the foot and then go into the hamper. I’m not sure you heard that one, so I will repeat: Socks leave the foot and then go into the hamper. Socks are not to be balled up in the mud room. Socks are not to be scrunched under the couch. Socks never stay in the bathroom, or in the bottom of the unmade sheets of the bed.
  3. I want to be that person who is all “Whatever! Wear mismatched socks! Go on and do your thang baby girl/boy,” but that’s just not me. This one time, we actually bought a pack of mismatched socks because it was so darn Quirky. But then those socks infected all the other pairs and I never knew if it was okay to just pair anything with anything or just make a subset of Socks that Match and Socks that are Mismatched and it all just became a little OCD for me. I think it’s great that the rules of marriage and gender are changing so everyone feels included, but lets just keep like socks together, okay? Just wear the matching socks I folded together and put in the drawer for you. How hard is that?
  4. Socks can be a stop sign. Sometimes they are itchy. Sometimes they have a seam, sometimes they have a pattern on the outside that is squeal-inducingly adorable but actually causes and interior lumpy issue that some absolutely cannot tolerate. Most of this can be rectified by wearing the socks inside out. Some people even like to wear the extra soft, seamless socks inside out and to this I say, “Go ahead baby girl/boy, let your freak flag fly! You do you!”

Don’t even get me started on mittens!

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